Cluster – F***.

Do you ever think to yourself, … “This can’t be real life… Can it?” …. “People wouldn’t seriously be like this… would they?” …. “There would not be this many ironies, parallels to manipulation and psychological destruction…. would there be?” … “My life shouldn’t feel like a psychological horror story… should it?” …

Ha. Well, maybe not that last sentence, or two…, but I’m sure someone out there can relate to the first one. I literally feel like I am trapped in some sort of manipulative, psychological, horror story, brainwashing, mind fuck of a life and situation… I feel like my life too closely related to that of a great thriller like American Horror Story, but only in a realistic way of course. It’s like I have to get home from work and re convince myself of what is reality and what is make believe, and it’s insane. All I can think about is that I am trapped in a corruptive place that pressures me, pushes me into religion, forces me to listen to religious music all day, plasters religious quotes on the wall and makes us sit through prayer in our staff meetings. They talk about God in normal conversation now more than ever and yet they are the most corruptive and manipulative people I have ever met in my whole life and seem to seek nothing more than to brainwash and trap me into their possession.

With all that has happened in the entire year that I have worked there and more specifically even the last month, I can’t believe that I still show up every day. I am so firmly trapped between my passions for the holistic and alternative field, chiropractic care and nutrition, all the people I see as patients every day and four ladies that I work with, that I can’t seem to break through the barriers of corruption and demonic psychological mind games and leave. To backtrack briefly through the history, I have never had a job so easy to go to, at least not for a long while, especially one that I started off part time too but then quickly grew to full time when they randomly, spontaneously started unveiling the corruption to me and fired my friend and coworker who was my superior and trainer and worked with them for about 2 years already. I took on her hours and roles and quickly transformed to a more involved and exceeded individual in 1/4 as much time as she did. They started kissing my ass immediately and increased my pay, filled me with stories of the future and the magical fruit it could bring and would create this bubble like dream of perfection to keep me showing up every morning. The specific stories and details could take forever to explain but for the most part the days were survivable due to the love and passion for what you do and what you do for other people in this field and somehow I was able to tune out the rest of the bullshit for awhile. I was able to avoid a lot of the pressure of religion and God and follow the routine of things.

Around mid-December, about 6 month into this blissful behind curtain view of things, everything started to intensify and become more out of this world insane to have to be dealing with. In a nutshell I was manipulated or trapped into being offered a Christmas bonus but cornered into agreeing to go on a trip to a seminar instead all in that same evening, without getting to think about it or decide or talk to my spouse about it. In the end there was no way I wanted to choose a very uncomfortable and uncorrected situation with them and I was forced to within two days state that I did not want to do so. I was wound through another week of torture and manipulate and private cornered office meetings to dig deeper and force me into attending this seminar instead and taking blows at my personal life and my spouse tied to this seminar and my decisions. It was very stressful and uncomfortable period of time to deal with. I finally thought it had all blown over and was going to be tolerable again for a period of time where I could start to figure out my next step and where to go from here type of thing and way out, and everything decides to intensify right away again.

They decide to tell us in a staff meeting that now the radio station is strictly banned from ever changing from the religious station, it used to be like a every few day battle of me changing it to other stations for some variety and sanity and him changing it to religious station, but now it was never able to change. And I am telling you, that for me, listening to that is like torture! They literally play the same 10 Jesus loving, worshipping, catchy songs that become engraved in your subconscious like mosquitos attached to you in the summertime and I will find myself at home accidentally humming or thinking of the tunes and the lyrics suddenly come flooding into my realization and I want to bash my head in the wall or blast loud Lady Gaga until I fall asleep… I already feel like I am fighting a brainwashing super bug challenge and then comes the Intern.

Our last Intern was done in November and never anything that affected my life one way or another. He was secretly in love with a Therapist that no longer worked there after the summer and helped out with a lot of things and added zero value to a lot of other things. I never cared one way or another. Then we did not have one for a few months and my life just seemed normal after time. Well, we get assigned another one, he starts last week and is there 4 days of the week, every day but Tuesday. He just so happens to be taller, attractive, sandy blond, well dressed, outgoing, flirtatious, smart and have his shit together… AND be a Pisces…. A mother fucking Pisces. The ONLY sign in the zodiac that would ever give Scorpio (my boyfriend) a run for it’s money when it comes to a Cancer like me. Only the sign of my very best friend growing up of like 10 years, my one true emotional soulmate and the only other sign (water sign) and sign that could be my hearts other half. And of course he is like the best thing since sliced bread, sucks up to me – flirts and follows me around everywhere kissing my ass and asking me questions about my life. Of course he is hot and dresses perfect and is the best thing we could ask for, for an intern and the help that we need and is the exact same age as me and from Wisconsin and likes football and to travel and is genuinely (or appears to be) in learning about people and asking them questions about their lives… Of course he flirts and makes innuendoes at you to make your mind start going in directions it does not knowingly want to go. It is like he was put there to literally test me.  Its like a parallel to American Horror Story and he is the demonic ghost that magically appeared all perfect and desirable to wrap you in and drawn you into the dark side and you have to continue to fight to maintain who you are and what you are while you are trapped in this brain washing, manipulative, psychological, thriller nightmare that you almost at the same time can’t get enough of….. Did you catch that? Ugh. It’s just so frustrating because it is one of those things that is ALL consuming. All day, all night, can’t stop thinking about it and tossing and turning everything in my head. Makes me love my job, makes me hate my job. Not to mention everything else going on with my job. It’s just this cluster fuck of emotion and problem, emotion and problem… and I’m just waiting for the Universe to sort itself all out and point me in the right direction, let me escape from that which traps me and make me be in the right place at the right time.

I’m exhausted. That’s all I can even discuss right now. Just the icing on the cake people. Just the icing. And it’s so much for an emotional, over thinking Cancer like myself.


Moon Crab.

Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Cancer… If you know anything at all about astrology then you know that Cancer is a water sign, ruled by the Moon and its emotions and it feels like a Cancer Full Moon should be illegal, .. in a Cancers perspective anyway. I mean jeez, full Moons are already crazy and intense enough for me I dont want the darn Moon to be in my sign too!

I almost feel like there is so much emotion going on this week that I dont even feel it at all. But at the same time I feel extremely sensitive and aware of the increase of emotions and expressed emotions in others. From all the people I work and my tug of war strain batrle with myself and my desire to so strongly leave behind the corruption and manipulation to the fact that I am so touched by the natural and holistic services we do for so many people and people in need…..; And even down to to my boyfriend and the incredibly bonding Sunday night we just randomly had. And even down to my Bengal cat and his increasingly high neediness for attention this week. What a Moon! To say the least..

Buckle up kids, the rest of the week might be one hell of a ride with these Cancer waves of emotions!

Back that train up…. Throwback!


I need to apologize.

I’ve dove right into the deep thoughts feelings and internal internet world of myself but have never really given an overview of who I am… what I am… why I am here.

I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible. But let me just say that it’s not very possible or accurate to describe yourself via your blog to an audience you will probably never meet and just put this explanation in words with no voice… no vision… no contact. So I will do the best I can, in simple terms.

My name is Amanda. Yes, I am female. I live in Minnesota, the good ole Midwest, MinneSNOWta. I probably talk with an accent but sometimes my family jokes with me that I sound like I grew up in the South. I may have lived my whole life by the Twin Cities but I’ve always longed for middle of nowhere, farm life, isolated and deserted, deep in the wilderness and heart of mother nature, … since as long as I can remember. Not everyone would guess that about me now, I am a product of my environment, I’ve grown to like feeling girly from time to time. I enjoy the convenience of everything I need at my fingertips. It feels nice to self indulge when you can. I’m intrigued by the fast pace of a city life but I’ve always stuck to the outside suburbs to call home. I enjoy visiting large cities of the world just as much as I enjoy the opposite but my deep desire and urning to travel comes from an entirely different source. My mom instilled a deep routed need to escape – for freedom and for exploration – when I was a young kid. Ever since then it’s been a very difficult thing to manage and control, taking over full force at my first taste of complete independence in College, traveling at every chance. Now, however, I’ve had to adapt to responsibility and adult hood of a 24 year old taking control of her life.

I’ve never been on a set path in life, but I’ve always aspired one. My distraction into everything the world has to offer and all the different things to learn about never guided me or let me pursue a set path. From the time of grade school until now I’ve probably aspired to be at least 15 different professions and paths in life, none of which have played out. Some would say that is a good thing, good to have many goals and dreams and ambitions, which I would slightly agree but I also feel its much like a roller coaster of stress and an endless circle of always ending up where you started. I’m proud to have an interest in so many different things and feel so strongly about all of them, but my constant passion and endless ability to stumble across new things I feel strongly about and have to add in my circle, is really just quite exhausting in the end. That’s why I need this time. That’s why I need my solitude and probably why I’ve been designed to still continuously seek that out and plan “alone time” into my schedule. I almost feel like it was of animalistic and evolutionary design that I felt and thought so strongly of it when I was younger as if to stock pile it up for later use when I was an adult engulfed in this world with no way out. Survival technique.

In case you are a more technical reader in understanding another: My favorite color is green. My favorite number is 7, used to be 13 – I am not superstitious but just the opposite with this number, and I am oddly addicted to numbers (maybe OCD) about orders and numbers applying to life events and decisions and relations to astrology or numerology and have a strange talent for remembering numbers associated to things/dates/birthdays/events. My favorite animal is a horse, since forever. I used to take lessons and go to horse camp. (escape) I’m very nostalgic in my thinking and I hate it and have been channeling it. I believe in evolution completely. I am a science lover. I love astrology. I am not religious and refuse to be controlled by anything of that nature. I am spiritual. I love to learn. I have two Bachelor’s degrees, one in Psychology and one in Biology. I would love to go back for my Master’s. I desire true love and happiness. I am obsessed with traveling and experience new cultures and life; I have been to England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Turkey, Italy, Greece, Mexico, Bahamas, South Padre and probably half of the United States, but ironically never Canada – right above me. I am creepily obsessed with end of the world scenarios that are realistic to me in movies and tv shows, which is why I am obsessed with The Walking Dead and have endless zombie apocalyptic dreams. My phobias are Centipedes, the dark, and a deep fear of anyone touching or things associated to my neck/chocking/dying, and a fear of being chased/kidnapped/taken/found. I am a deep detailed dreamer (in color) and have very imaginative dreams all the time that could be a separate book themselves. I love sports, played soccer for 15 years at least, and LOVE to watch football. I like to drink and socialize like other 24 year olds my age. I like to party but I equally or more so love to stay home and cozy up. I love camping or anything outdoors that is not in the winter. Ironically, I hate the cold and the winter and always dream of being on a beach somewhere and have to combat in pure survival mode during our always like 8 months of damn winter. I am a spitfire, a fiery redhead underneath it all (blonde) full of passion and even sometimes rage. My dad always told me growing up that I should just be a prosecuting attorney. I’ve always felt the best way to depict myself to others would be the equivalent of Julia Roberts in the Erin Brockovich movie. And I love Julia Roberts. I love cats, animals, pets, all of it! I deeply wish I could own a rescue center for exotic animals. I own two Bengal cats, an exotic species in the state of MN and required to be bought by a licensed breeder. (Domesticated tabby cat bred with a Wild Asian Leopard – mine are about 15% leopard or wild) I love working out, trying new things, eating food of all sorts especially Mexican and Italian however at the same time I like to be gluten conscious and carb conscious as it helps my digestion and my figure. I work in the Wellness World and highly represent all that is Chiropractic care and adjustments, Massage Therapy and Nutrition and Exercise. I love muscle cars, I love hanging out with “the guys”. I love sleep. I love tequilla. I love music, all kinds of it: on the radio, pop, country, rap, rock, 80s rock, classic rock, 90s straight up music, all of it. Love music. I love holidays and birthdays and being romantic. I have had insanely curly hair that I’ve had depicted in tons of different ways and styles ever since I went through puberty and am pretty much known for my hair attributes all of my life. I’ve always struggled with self image and esteem, it can be argued as to whether i always should have or not, and I’ve never felt better about both as I do right now in my life. It’s still a huge struggle but I know myself better now and how to “handle” and channel myself where I need to be. I am 100% not a lesbian but I think woman are beautiful and am completely comfortable with my thoughts on that and sexuality. I want a non religious outdoor wedding someday that is centered-around love and nothing else. I am emotional. I always feel I think about things that no one else in the world does. I always think I am different and my thoughts on that can go both ways. I love routine but I also love change. I love getting rid of things, that is my favorite thing related to how many times I have moved in my life. I like to clean, especially when I’m in a “mood”. I have three tattoos and wouldn’t mind a few more. I have been skydiving and loved it. I love extreme things and adrenaline rushes. I like a good bad boy with an undercover heart of gold. This has been one of my favorite years so far and full of change and leaps. My past is huge and complicated and I don’t like to say that I have been through and now understand quite a lot. We will save the past for another day. Let’s stick to the present, a battle I’ve been trying to stick to forever.

I love to write and talk deeply and will be touching more into my soul from time to time as it is just part of my nature to want to share and document.


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There’s something to be said about truly feeling like you are in the right place at the right time. Even for a second, an hour, a day, a year. There’s something magical in feeling like everything that is happening is just… right. Maybe it’s the day, maybe it’s the month or maybe it’s the season, but I want to wrap up that feeling and put it in my pocket so I can have it whenever I want. I want to cage it up. It’s definitely not something that I always feel but it’s a feeling that I truly enjoy and feel content with. Today is one of those days with that feeling. Things feel right. Some things today were around in the past but maybe weren’t the right time or place. However, today they are right and may have joined together as a path in life I was supposed to take. Either way, i’m anxious and excited and ready to see what comes from here.