Cluster – F***.

Do you ever think to yourself, … “This can’t be real life… Can it?” …. “People wouldn’t seriously be like this… would they?” …. “There would not be this many ironies, parallels to manipulation and psychological destruction…. would there be?” … “My life shouldn’t feel like a psychological horror story… should it?” …

Ha. Well, maybe not that last sentence, or two…, but I’m sure someone out there can relate to the first one. I literally feel like I am trapped in some sort of manipulative, psychological, horror story, brainwashing, mind fuck of a life and situation… I feel like my life too closely related to that of a great thriller like American Horror Story, but only in a realistic way of course. It’s like I have to get home from work and re convince myself of what is reality and what is make believe, and it’s insane. All I can think about is that I am trapped in a corruptive place that pressures me, pushes me into religion, forces me to listen to religious music all day, plasters religious quotes on the wall and makes us sit through prayer in our staff meetings. They talk about God in normal conversation now more than ever and yet they are the most corruptive and manipulative people I have ever met in my whole life and seem to seek nothing more than to brainwash and trap me into their possession.

With all that has happened in the entire year that I have worked there and more specifically even the last month, I can’t believe that I still show up every day. I am so firmly trapped between my passions for the holistic and alternative field, chiropractic care and nutrition, all the people I see as patients every day and four ladies that I work with, that I can’t seem to break through the barriers of corruption and demonic psychological mind games and leave. To backtrack briefly through the history, I have never had a job so easy to go to, at least not for a long while, especially one that I started off part time too but then quickly grew to full time when they randomly, spontaneously started unveiling the corruption to me and fired my friend and coworker who was my superior and trainer and worked with them for about 2 years already. I took on her hours and roles and quickly transformed to a more involved and exceeded individual in 1/4 as much time as she did. They started kissing my ass immediately and increased my pay, filled me with stories of the future and the magical fruit it could bring and would create this bubble like dream of perfection to keep me showing up every morning. The specific stories and details could take forever to explain but for the most part the days were survivable due to the love and passion for what you do and what you do for other people in this field and somehow I was able to tune out the rest of the bullshit for awhile. I was able to avoid a lot of the pressure of religion and God and follow the routine of things.

Around mid-December, about 6 month into this blissful behind curtain view of things, everything started to intensify and become more out of this world insane to have to be dealing with. In a nutshell I was manipulated or trapped into being offered a Christmas bonus but cornered into agreeing to go on a trip to a seminar instead all in that same evening, without getting to think about it or decide or talk to my spouse about it. In the end there was no way I wanted to choose a very uncomfortable and uncorrected situation with them and I was forced to within two days state that I did not want to do so. I was wound through another week of torture and manipulate and private cornered office meetings to dig deeper and force me into attending this seminar instead and taking blows at my personal life and my spouse tied to this seminar and my decisions. It was very stressful and uncomfortable period of time to deal with. I finally thought it had all blown over and was going to be tolerable again for a period of time where I could start to figure out my next step and where to go from here type of thing and way out, and everything decides to intensify right away again.

They decide to tell us in a staff meeting that now the radio station is strictly banned from ever changing from the religious station, it used to be like a every few day battle of me changing it to other stations for some variety and sanity and him changing it to religious station, but now it was never able to change. And I am telling you, that for me, listening to that is like torture! They literally play the same 10 Jesus loving, worshipping, catchy songs that become engraved in your subconscious like mosquitos attached to you in the summertime and I will find myself at home accidentally humming or thinking of the tunes and the lyrics suddenly come flooding into my realization and I want to bash my head in the wall or blast loud Lady Gaga until I fall asleep… I already feel like I am fighting a brainwashing super bug challenge and then comes the Intern.

Our last Intern was done in November and never anything that affected my life one way or another. He was secretly in love with a Therapist that no longer worked there after the summer and helped out with a lot of things and added zero value to a lot of other things. I never cared one way or another. Then we did not have one for a few months and my life just seemed normal after time. Well, we get assigned another one, he starts last week and is there 4 days of the week, every day but Tuesday. He just so happens to be taller, attractive, sandy blond, well dressed, outgoing, flirtatious, smart and have his shit together… AND be a Pisces…. A mother fucking Pisces. The ONLY sign in the zodiac that would ever give Scorpio (my boyfriend) a run for it’s money when it comes to a Cancer like me. Only the sign of my very best friend growing up of like 10 years, my one true emotional soulmate and the only other sign (water sign) and sign that could be my hearts other half. And of course he is like the best thing since sliced bread, sucks up to me – flirts and follows me around everywhere kissing my ass and asking me questions about my life. Of course he is hot and dresses perfect and is the best thing we could ask for, for an intern and the help that we need and is the exact same age as me and from Wisconsin and likes football and to travel and is genuinely (or appears to be) in learning about people and asking them questions about their lives… Of course he flirts and makes innuendoes at you to make your mind start going in directions it does not knowingly want to go. It is like he was put there to literally test me.  Its like a parallel to American Horror Story and he is the demonic ghost that magically appeared all perfect and desirable to wrap you in and drawn you into the dark side and you have to continue to fight to maintain who you are and what you are while you are trapped in this brain washing, manipulative, psychological, thriller nightmare that you almost at the same time can’t get enough of….. Did you catch that? Ugh. It’s just so frustrating because it is one of those things that is ALL consuming. All day, all night, can’t stop thinking about it and tossing and turning everything in my head. Makes me love my job, makes me hate my job. Not to mention everything else going on with my job. It’s just this cluster fuck of emotion and problem, emotion and problem… and I’m just waiting for the Universe to sort itself all out and point me in the right direction, let me escape from that which traps me and make me be in the right place at the right time.

I’m exhausted. That’s all I can even discuss right now. Just the icing on the cake people. Just the icing. And it’s so much for an emotional, over thinking Cancer like myself.

Twenty-Fourteen.

Hello World.

This will be my official first new post in the new year. New time. I took the last month off to survive the Holidays, family get togethers, end of the year, and adjustment into the new one. You’d be happy to know that I have survived…despite some heavy speed bumps, which have now become obsolete as I have so far dropped everything that burdened me in 2013. See this New Year was unlike any else; this New Year, astrologically speaking, was the best way you could ask to start a new year. With the stars all aligned for change and resolution. This year a New Moon fell on New Year’s Day, which is perfect for setting resolutions and a perfect time to set intentions. In my eyes and world, this means that there is no excuse and no reason to not be able to “cut the bullshit”. Just drop everything you want to drop, right off in the end of 2013, and start 2014 whatever the hell way you feel like. Its like starting the year with the right kind of attitude and sassiness that you need to do exactly what you want to do. And that is just precisely what I am doing.

On New Year’s Eve I wrote down all of my intentions, goals and “resolutions” for the new year and have them posted on sticky notes in my planner/agenda for the year. They will stick by me, and ultimately become positive, changing, parts of my life this year.

Happy 2014. Year of 7 in numerology. My favorite number and a lucky one and an estimated very lucky first 6 months for my sign, Cancer. And I could not be more ready and more looking forward to it. I will drop those who do not positively influence my life. Get rid of joy-suckers and life-suckers as I like to call them. This is not just people but this is things in your life at all that are that way. Dropped! Just like that. This year will be a ground breaking one, I can just feel it.

December:

A month of lights, snow & feasts; time to make amends & tie loose ends; finish off what you started & hope your wishes come true…

Perhaps the only difference between me and other people is that I’ve always demanded more from the sunset, more spectacular colors when the sun his the horizon. That’s perhaps my only sin.

Welcome to TODAY. Another day. Another Chance. Feel free to change…

A lot has been going on with my family lately, health wise. Which the ironic part stems in the fact that I work at a local Wellness Center and have been an advocate of natural and holistic health and alternative remedies for many years, since my early college days out of high school, and yet no one has ever really cared for any of my information or experience. Now, everyone is singing a different tune and will be hearing a different tune from me this Christmas. We have always had enough problems with family drama and everyone’s drinking or mental problems but this year the Universe decided to kick up some more dirt. My mother recently had a terrible reaction to a vaccine she should have never gotten (I’m strongly against MOST vaccination; if you feel terribly the opposite direction on the topic I apologize but I’m not really sorry because my thoughts will never change.) My grandma is getting fairly elder in age and starting to struggle health wise for the given reasons; my grandpa is suffering from Parkinson’s disease, my aunt is more heavily struggling with her alcohol addiction and her linked depression and other psychological disorders and then just today my other aunt was diagnosed with a very rare form of liver cancer in the bile duct region… and will be starting chemo this week… another thing I feel strongly against. Just so much! Makes you think. Makes you feel challenged to help them. To present them with information and resources you already know, incorporate in your life and have access too that they may have never ever thought twice about, but now is the time to not back down! Now is the time to present it no matter what the reaction and opinions are. Now is the time for no regrets.

2013 has been quite the year for change for me. A lot of self discovery and a lot of time spent getting comfortable and accepting parts of myself. Now is not the time to stop doing that my any means. And my hopes for 2014 are full of aspirations for more change and more things falling into place. And hopefully more help to my family to present them with better HEALTH and quality of life! We only get this one life people! Our bodies are our homes, we have to take care of them!

It never gets any easier, you just get stronger.

I’d like to thank todays workout to none other than Ms Lady Gaga. Thank you for the 5 + songs you have produced that are fabulous to do a long run to when you are super tired and lazy on a nice freezing cold Minnesota Saturday.

 

It’s amazing to me how everyone has such a different perspective and understanding of what a true work out consists of or what it means to actually work out. I wish I could have went into stealth mode and video taped the woman next to me in the woman’s weight room as she tried to do some machine for an arm workout. She was a very small older woman whom would use her entire weight and strength to pull down this bar in any way possible, leaning back and to the side and fighting through to get it down, almost banging her head into the wall consistently. And the look on her face as she would get the bar down was of pure success and accomplishment…. all the while not at all the way you would go about pulling this bar down or go about getting a workout in. People assume if they are at the gym and trying that they are making a difference and doing it right. However, truth be told sometimes a bad workout is no different than not working out at all… Sorry lady :/

 

 

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